Later

I took a walk to the liquor store because I am a functioning alcoholic these days. Ever since I got back from ______ on Monday, being outside – everything feels too big and I get overwhelmed. It’s the feeling I always have when I’m discharged from hospital. Everything is too big. It usually passes within a week, but I was surprised because this is the first time I’ve ever felt this way from coming home from ______. I found I was walking funny. The way I walk when I’m in hospital. Slowly, carefully.

I bought a fifth of vodka. Then I went in search of knives. I thought that, since the supermarket and drugstore have their summer dishware out, they might have little knives as well. I was wrong. They did not. There is nowhere in fucking walking distance that sells knives. I could get some at the dollar store or Walmart, but that would entail getting my father to drive me there. And since I am not supposed to have knives, I can’t risk him seeing me at the checkout with some.

I walked home in a daze. Had a drink. Went to babysitting, which is where I am now. I am so tired. There will be no self-massacre tonight, but tomorrow, all bets are off.